Confessions of a poshmark menace

One of the great strengths (and weaknesses) of my existence is that both beautifully and regrettably, I’m a goddamn Poshmark menace. 

What does that mean exactly? Well if you’re a Poshmark philistine, 1. Educate yourself. 2. Please don’t hike up prices. 

But, essentially Poshmark functions as a platform that feels slightly more legit than eBay but offers the same general service: bid on items you want. Poshmark limits itself to clothes and accessories and does also authenticate purchases over $500. It, most notably, markets itself for designer goods (hence the authentification).

And to be a Poshmark menace… well that’s not really a quippy, fun retort but rather the entire genesis of this whole post. And that’s to know exactly how to get beautiful things for pretty beautiful prices. 

You might wonder what authority I have on such matters but anyone who knows me personally knows my prowess—however those are tales, or rather just straight facts, I’ll milk for further content. Today I guess you’ll have to take me at my word… or accept me as an unreliable narrator. 

Either way, to quote many a bachelor(ette) contestant: “this is my truth.” 

You must know thy item and thy seller. 

Let’s start with item. Honey, in no form of reality are you going to get a Birkin, much less a Chanel flap bag for $1000–unless it was literally run over by a car. In that case, you might find one for $800. 

But in highly commoditized items (Birkins , Chanel flap bags, “it” bags), you need to understand its nature as a commodity. There’s a going rate, and typically anything majorly below it belies a true (and typically very undesirable) reason. You want better deals for that? Look at estate sales or pray for a benefactor, but Poshmark won’t help much. 

Now… is the kicker and where I’ve found the bulk of my success as a menace—and that’s in the vintage in a non-trendy manner items. Prada? Chanel? Hermès? I have them all—and at a bargain at that, but you can’t be hoping for a Prada re-Edition or a Lady Dior. Set your sights lower (say vintage Burberry, older Prada), and suddenly the sky is your limit. And honestly, much time the products are cuter in the end.

But beyond item, we now must evaluate seller: look at their history. Is this their side hustle? If so… good luck getting much lower than asking (unless said item has been on listing for at least 6 months—then it’s fair game). 

The ideal seller is that of the lazy gal who made a fashion mistake. As someone my sister describes as a “UChicago graduate who used her critical thinking skills to purchase a $400 bowling ball purse that didn’t even fit a phone,” I’ve been there. Specifically, for that purse. That girl is your target. She can be menaced. She was no match for a 14 day return policy, and she’s no match for you.

But that’s to say with self-awareness and with personal success that WE ARE the prime target of the menace. We ARE the ones just wanting to turn a fashion mistake into some form of cash. Or the ones too lazy to return things in time who accept a semblance of payment to justify our own reticence towards action. 

It’s all to say— the art of menacing is more science than you’d think. Research the item. Research the seller. Introspect into just how badly you want this item and what your maximum price is… and then lowball the fuck out of it (but also not too much—must be at the sweet spot of being a menace, not a troll).

Every Poshmark adventure is different, but from each I do get the distinct satisfaction of being a menace… and occasionally getting a beautiful new heirloom (to pass down to myself).